"You Guys Make Marriage Look Easy"

I can not believe that I have been married for 26 years.  I know how cliche it is to say "where does the time go", but where does it go?  I've been thinking a lot about this lately as I admire with my 23 year old college graduate daughter, and prepare for my 17 year old (driving!!) son to go off to college in another year.  Raising children seems to speed up those years that are filled with driving to school, practices, games, birthday parties, etc.  It really does take my breath away.

I had a chance to really process this at a family picnic during a conversation about marriage and family.  All those years, where does the time go, and how have we been married for such a long time?People are always amazed when I say that my husband Bryan and I have been married for so long. I guess you can't really break up with children, so you know that they are with you for a life time.  But with a spouse it's different.  You can get a divorce, but that is messy, costly, and depressing.  I watched my parents go through it and it never really solved anything for them.  And divorce has never been an option for Bryan and me.

So as I sat at the picnic elbow-deep in crabs with Old Bay Seasoning, one cousin asked me "how have you been married so long?  You guys make marriage look easy."  I was flattered and surprised.  It was such a nice complement, and yet, I wondered if we were putting on smiley faces and not telling the truth about what marriage really is.  Quite honestly, are like other couples that have been married for a long time.  As the years pass by and as we have gone through challenges, we have learned to weather the storm and stand together as it passes.  I think  our united front makes it look easy. 

If you have been married for a bit, or not married yet and may be considering it, here are a few truths about marriage.

1) Be friends first.  Bryan and I have been friends for 29 years. We did not date immediatly which gave us time to get to know each other.   So our relationship was initially built on a strong foundation of support, listening, laughter, etc.  We really see the fruit of that early relationship now as our children embark on their own  lives.  We have always enjoyed spending time together with and without the kids.

2)  It's not about you.  It really is about your spouse and your relationship.  On my toughest days in marriage I have had to re-focus and remember that my marriage is about me learning to let go of selfishness and that is hard for me.  Even after 26 years I often want things my way.  I'm blessed to have a husband who will listen to me and work things out.  I do much better with this when I remember who I am in Christ and keep Him at the center.  Tough stuff some days, but it helps us make it through.

3) Surround yourselves with other successfully married people.  Many of our friends have been married for a long time.  That reflection of other married couples is encouraging, especially when the times get rocky. That model of perseverance is comforting and can provide so much hope.

4)  Join a bible based church  We  joined a church 2 years into our marriage and I believe that church membership has saved our relationship.  We have been active church goers and enjoy bible studies and worship as a couple, family, and as individuals.  We recently had the opportunity to be a part of a "Marriage Mentors" group at our church.  Although we were the couple that had been married the longest, we weren't leading the group.  This was great because it gave us a chance to learn from as well as mentor couples that had not been married for two years, ten years, etc.  It's amazing what you can learn from newlyweds.

5)  Pray for your spouse.  Marriage pleases God, so you know who wants to attack and destroy marriages?  Satan.  However God is greater than all of those issues that pop up in our relationships.  I started praying for my husband when I read the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.  I needed the strength, (and I know that he did too) to get through very difficult times.  Prayer is the ultimate weapon to help your relationship succeed.

So 26 years later, we can say that we have been through a lot:: births, deaths, financial crises, job losses, promotions, moves, housing issues, celebrations, joy, sorrow, sickness, health, richer, poorer. Life.  And in the end, we cling to The Cross and all of God's promises.  It's a simple formula, but it's not easy.  But I do believe that  love makes it all look "easy".